Tuesday, October 31st, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: Halloween

I didn't get to go out for Halloween today because I have a midterm tomorrow but I put out some candy.

An outdoor cat named Luna visits often and he's really cute! He's so friendly, I wish I had a black cat of my own, I'm really jealous of whoever Luna goes to sleep with at the end of the night!!
His left ear is injured. According to his owner, he scratched his ear to the point of damaging the tissue. Poor baby :(

Tuesday, October 29th, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: Murder should be legal only for me!!!!!!!!!!

Coworker was being annoying yesterday. Let's call him Y. I don't know if it's maybe the culture that he grew up in but I don't know why he makes comments about my body unprovoked. I know I look younger than my age, I know that I'm not as developed as a 21 year old woman is expected to be. I can't really cuss out my coworker cause he's also my supervisor but I wish I never got comments like that because it kills my self-esteem. I don't like what having an eating disorder did to me and I'll always be unhappy about the way my body looks. I never wanted to be small I just want to look more like a woman but weight doesn't do me justice, so I thought becoming thinner would make me look more feminine but that didn't work either. And now I'm stuck in a limbo of not looking good thin OR with weight. I just want to disapper now I don't want anyone being able to see my body.

Y started the convo with telling me that I "really am tiny", he must have been referencing conversations that we had prior (which HE always starts) about how I look younger than my age. I just told him that it's annoying but atleast I'll look younger when I'm in my fourties. He then proceeds to talk about how there was a girl that worked here who looked like she was 27 years old but was actually just recently done highschool. I knew which girl he was talking about, but I remember her looking 18/19 (she was 19) so I had no clue what he was talking about. Y was saying that she was " really hot" and that alot of the customers would stare at her. She was definitely beautiful but I told him that men tend to creep on girls that looked like they were highschool (and he agreed??). She didn't look older than her age, she was the age that gets harassed the most.

He then diverges the topic and says that white women are more developed as young adults but south asian women don't develop as well. Once again, I had no clue what he was talking about because every brown girl I know is curvy. He should know that too considering he's indian but I wasn't too surprised when he ended up talking shit about brown women and how they weren't as pretty as other races. Common thinking from fresh of the boat brown males who come to Canada to literally kill the vibe where ever they go.

This guy didn't even believe me when I told him that plenty of brown men and women that were born here get along just fine and that getting with other races is simply not a big deal. I feel like I was raised in a bubble where the brown men I grew up with were relatively normal and civilized (thank goodness) so when I do encounter a dirty barbarian I get taken aback because what to do you mean brown women are the least attractive race? Considering he even tried to get with me when I first joined the workplace and even texted my number by looking thorugh the employee info list I just really don't get his point. He's annoying and I also hate the way he looks at me and the stuff he says about my boyfriend.

I don't care that you knew me before my boyfriend did, I don't care that I'm more outspoken then what you're used to, I don't care that you think my boyfriend "spoils" me too much, I don't care that you think I have an attitude, I really don't give a shit when you say that you "don't see" what guys see in me when they ask for my number at work, you're dick literally got hard when we had to do a night shift together you disgusting filthy piece of shit, stop talking to me, stop looking at me like that while i work this isn't fucking bollywood, stop making comments about my body, stop asking me if im willing to cheat on my boyfriend just kill yourself.

Sunday, October 19th, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: buldak noodles with dairy will kill you

I was visiting home for the weekend because my mom has been begging me to come over at least once this month. I really didn't want to but I wanted to see how my siblings were doing. My older brother is still a NEET and I'm trying hard not to hate him for it, maybe it's jealousy I don't know. I wonder if my mom knew that she would produce two failures. At least my sister is on track to doing well and I'll make sure she is.

She wanted me to play Dress To Impress with her but she eventually took a nap. I was looking at her face and I thought about the first time I saw her, she was so tiny and she had some sort of gooey residue on her forehead that the nurses said they'd clean off once the bath was ready. I always thought newborns look very different to how they'd look when they grow up but my sisters features didn't change much in my eyes. She's always looked the same no matter what, even the expressions she had as a baby are the same. I remember when she'd grab my ears and hair with her chubby hands. She's 16 now and she always gets (pretend) mad when smothering her in kisses but she'll always be a baby to me. I wish I wasn't an older sibling but I loved being a big sister when I was younger.

I can't help but feeling like suicide would be easier because the thought of living like this for the rest of my life is fucking with my productivity, I can't afford to fail at anything right now but something's telling that it'd be less embarrassing to just end it now then to wait until I really fuck things up.

I'm really enjoying having this site! So many creative and talented people, I love just browsing through peoples webpages. I think what I like the most are blogs/diaries...I just want to know what's going on in peoples heads. Maybe it's because I don't have a filter on here because I'm confident that no one is going to find me in real life (let's hope) so my assumption is that others will be as unhinged or open on here. Some are though! And it's nice to read because it gives me a piece of mind that I'm not the only one who's dealing with mental turmoil.

Sunday, October 13th, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: i don't know why my life feels so mundane

Reading week has started so now classes, using that time to catch up with my school work because I'm behind in one of my classes

Boyfriend made reservations at a restaurant that serves authentic Kerela dishes. I've never tried South Indian food but I'm excited because the place looks soooo good.

Wednesday, October 2nd, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: Exam week

I had exams this week and I did well on one of them but I had to transfer the weight of my genomics exam because I don't think I was ready for it. I feel terrible but it's better than bombing the exam, at least I have another chance at doing well. I haven't been attending my classes like I would like but I want to pull myself back up so I'll be going to one of my lectures starting tomorrow :(.

I have been trying to get back into drawing again. I put myself off from it because I always felt that I wouldn't get better no matter how much I draw but I think I've finally accepted that skill takes time and effort. I like figure drawing but I never did it enough to make it a habit. I can already draw humans somewhat decently although my anatomy isn't the best but I think doing daily figure drawings will get me used to the human body which will start making me feel more comfortable in character art. I don't know why I think that I'll get better over night but that thought is the reason I have been in the same place with my art for almost 8 years now. So I did some figure drawings today and made sure to actually observe the bodies rather than mindlessly sketching. But it felt good to draw again after such a long time!! I'm going to be consistent and I can't wait to see my progress in a year from now.

Thursday, September 12th, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: UNI

Started my 4th year of university this month but I know it's not my last...

Haven't been able to work on my website for a bit because I've been living with my boyfriend this past couple of weeks but I got my laptop again so now I'm able to work on it a little bit, but I don't know how much attention I can give it considering my workload at uni but I'm still going to try to add to my current pages here and there.

I think I had a poor start to the semester with my social anxiety. I think I forget how socially anxious I am until September comes, I'm finding myself skipping classes that I know are recorded because then I don't have to walk through campus. I'm trying to get better at leaving the house more often but it's difficult. I very grateful that my boyfriend will willingly walk to the gas station for me and get my favourite snacks/drinks when I don't feel comfortable leaving the house.

Thursday, August 29th, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: Rereading

I remember reading 'Made in Abyss' a while ago and had tried to look over the ridiculous depictions of children. Came across a bunch of critiques about it on youtube and twitter and became really disappointed because I really liked the lore of the story. And although it is crazy to call someone a pedophile when they haven't even been convicted but why do we HAVE to wait until someone harms a child to at least not be weary of them. Maybe that's just the extremist side of me, I am aware that involving people's fictional fetishes with the law wouldn't go well but I still wish Japanese media didn't incorporate pedophilia so casually in their work...it's just so unsettling.

Such a shame that a story with unique and interesting worldbuilding has a repulsive creator, I need someone to plagarize the entire thing and replace the characters with adults.

Cancelled on a work dinner party. I don't feel comfortable attending an event surrounded by people who constantly question why I don't speak Hindi, as if it's my fault Bangladesh wanted to be it's own nation. And I wasn't born there anyway, and even if I was, it's a BANGLAdesh for a reason, regardless of it's past history.

Sunday, August 25th, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: What am I doing..

Trying to get a hold of myself again. And trying to minimize how much of a burden i am to those around me. I don't know why I do that somwtimes. It's like I just suddenly explode, my mood becomes entirely different when I hear something that I didn't want to hear and then hours later I'm calling back to apologize and then the next day it happens agan. I don't want to exhaust the peaple around me. I cannot expect those around me to tell me the perfect things, I need to expect less from the people around me because no one will be able to pull me out of my problems other than me. I need to learn to not be upset when I don't receive the affirmations I wwant especially if they're not true.

Monday, August 19th, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: Middle school

Sometimes I think about how I was in middle school and of the friends I used to have. I read my previous journals and every single entry consisted of low self-esteem ramblings and the adventures I had with my friends that day. Just from the way I had written, I could tell I was having alot of fun in my day to day life despite feeling so poorly of myself. I had people I could joke with, talk about crushes with, argue with, fawn over media with. Now a decade later, I have no one. I do have my boyfriend and I really enjoy talking to him. I get the same joy from him as I would a deep friendship but there's something missng. I miss having girls in my life, I always wanted to have a group of women whom I can talk to about things that I can't really with my boyfriend.

I can talk to my bf aboout ANYTHING but he can't really fully engage in conversations about makeup or nails, beauty etc, other than giving me some "waohhh thats interesting" or "damn that's cool" despite how interested he tries to make himself seem.

Sunday, August 18th, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: Coming to conclusions

// Too personal for the public eye (•᷄- •᷅ ;)

Friday, August 16th, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: Boring Friday

I got my liscence renewed today because it expires at the end of the month. The lady quickly took my photo, I wasn't really prepared for the photo so I'm kind of scared to see what I look like. I'm losing weight steadily, I have to dtay consistent. I'm trying to reach XX pounds ish or if I can't do that, the goal is to lose fat and build muscle. I haven't really been working out consistently at all so my muscles feel weak. But definetly I will be consistent when September starts.

Thursday, August 8th, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: Birthday

I have been thinking of taking my own life but I don't have any plans on putting that into action. I can see why people will do it on a whim though. Having a strong urge to run into oncoming traffic. Obviously I won't be putting that into action. I dont really know what's wrong with me and why I think the way I do. I wonder if it's all just the way I think or if there is some sort of truth in the scenarios that I think about.

I think I'm rather difficult to love and my boyfriend isn't in a genuine relationship with me. Maybe it is genuine on a surface level but it feels like he doesn't really know if he loves me. I feel like he's saying all these things just to have me.

When I tell him I look bad at a healthy weight he tells me I look fine and healthy but that pisses me off becuase it's so easy to tell that he's forcing himself to say that. He can't even tell me I'm beautiful without stuttering or averting eye contact. 'Fine', 'Normal'. 'Healthy' are the only vocabulary he can use when describing my body and it makes me want to commit suicide. And even if he says 'beuatiful' and 'perfect', it's always when I'm having a bad breakdown or visibly upset. It doesn't feel genuine in the slightest because why can't I be called beautiful when I'm not in an emotional turmoil. I always knew I'd probably end up in a relationship where I'm not seen as attractive by my partner but it's alot more harder to deal with than I thought. I'm unsure of how this is going to impact the relationship, I feel like a ticking bomb.

Monday, August 5th, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: Being at home

I am visiting home because my birthday is in 3 days, so there's no point in going back to my other place. My mom came into my room frantically asking em to help her log in to her bank account, which I had helped her make years ago. But the issue is that she forgot the security questions. I know my parents aren't the best at English but they can't rely on my to remember all 200 of their login and passwords(╥﹏╥).

Sunday, August 4th, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: life update

It's been a while since my last entry. Things are going well with Leon and I. I'm waiting for my Calculus II results to be posted on brightspace, it gives me the worst feeling on the planet...I know I didn't do to well on it but I'm hoping I got ATLEAST 41%...

I've lost a little bit of weight. Trying to reach XX pounds but I'm scared to lose my hair. Summer has been nice. I hate work as usual.

Monday, April 22nd, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: boyfriend update

Leon and I started dating officially on th 27th of March. He was walkig me back to the train station after I hung out with him, and then I asked him what he thought about being in a relationship. He said he was open to it and then agreed that he wanted to make things official but he said he found it funny that he had asked to make things official first but I had previosuly turned him down..

One month(ish) after meeting him he had asked me if I was ready to be exclusive with him but I had already assumed we were exclusive! That's why it had taken me a bit to think about wether I was ready or not to date because I was confused on where he stood.

Anyway, a couple days ago he told me he wanted to make our anniversary date the day we met (lol). He's so cute at times.

Thursday, Febuary 8th, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: Scary experiences

I really don't know how to talk to men, I don't know how to date and how to be myself around men. I always feel like I'm performing in a way, I don't know how to truly be myself.

If I be myself, I think that will scare them away but I think that's better than performing. I'm talking to a guy recently, and I think I will be myself and if it doesn't work than it won't work and that's okay. He's cute but we don't really share the same hobbies or anything but two people don't need to share the same hobbies to get along. I'll see where this goes for me.

Saturday, Febuary 3rd, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: work

Just came back from work and I'm tired. I wish I had a workplace crush, that would make things more interesting. I feel like no one likes me at work since I don't really talk much. I love working evenings though. My favourite people are in the evenings.

I don't know how to make myself more open to conversation, I feel stiff and ugly, I hate looking into people's eyes.

Friday, Febuary 2nd, 2024 ✮⋆˙ Topic: wahwahwah

I underate yesterday, and planned to undereat today...it doesn't feel like I underate so I'll be pacing around my living room to burn as much calories as I can.

I ate some tea biscuits and I also had two of mom's fish kababs.

morning weight = XX

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