Tue, Dec 31st, 2024 || Topic: New years eve!

9:59 AM

I know everyone says this but I can't believe the new year is already here. Alot happened to me this year but also not alot happened. I don't want to be so negative considering the goal is to start on a clean slate for 2025 but I'm dreading the "When do you graduate?" from those around me and my parents. My parent for the most part are okay with me taking my time but I hate telling people that because I can just feel that they're judging me. I'm going to be off of social media completely for the new year because it's done nothing for me then trigger my eating disorder and issues with comparison. I have wonderful hobbies, a major that I'm interested in and a loving boyfriend that I can pour my time into. I wish I had friends though.

I have work 1-6 PM and no work tomorrow so I'm excited to have the night to myself. My sister bought me the Nintendo Switch Lite after I jokingly said that I'd give her my polaroid camera and my New Horizons editon Switch if she bought me the Lite. But she's very happy with the trade, I loved my polaroid camera but I dont use it as often as I should and my sister loves taking photos so I'm sure she'd put it to good use. L bought me a Canon Mini printer so I've been using that alot, and I find it more convenient then the polaroid because I can print photos I've already taken. He also likes using it alot himself and he printed some of my baby pictures so he could put them up on his wall.

I'm debating wether or not to get myself a new journal or should I just use the one that I already have. I think I'm going to carry on my 2024 journal but the issue is, it's all the way back at my place so I can't write in it...I'll probably write my entries on a piece of paper and then attach an envelope to my journal that contains all the outcasted entries. I've been bouncing around alot these couple of months and i barely see my roommates unless it's because it's the month I'm suppose to be throwing out trash. Even then, I always have to leave during the week either for family, L, day trips, cousin so I hope they don't find it weird that I won't socialize with them. And I also don't want to socialize with them. Not in the "I don't like them" way but more because they're sort of difficult to be around and I have to tiptoe around what I say around them considering both of them are incredibly relegious. It also sucks that my older roommate doesn't allow sleepovers? I didn't know I moved out just to get a second mother, who made her the head of the household. I'm paying for my room so I should be able to let anyone into my room. I can't even let my cousin sleepover, it's so terrible. I want to move out but I'll do that at the end of the semester.

6:50 PM

Not to be dramatic but I feel empty inside.

Thursday, Dec 26th, 2024 || Topic: n/a

10:49 AM

There's so many hobbies I want to start or continue but I don't really know where to start. I want to read, write, draw, crochet, cook, play videogames, make a videogame, restart my new horizons island, start a new stardew save file, create a sims save file, watch a documentary, watch a movie, work on my website, browse through other peoples' sites etc. Not entirely sure where to start because I have work in a couple of hours from now so I decided to start with jounralling. When I get back home from work, I'll probaby be on call with L so I can draw a little bit.

8:40 PM

Nevermind, just got back from work and L can't talk right now because I forgot his parents don't approve of me and they would lose their mind if they saw my name pop up on his phone. He said he wants to play roblox later tonight but I'm not sure how long I can stay up. My brother brought back some chocolate from his girlfriends' house so I ate some of that, though I am trying to cut down on my sugar intake. I don't know if it's true that coke zero or diet coke can cause cancer but I partake in a billion other activites that can cause cancer so I'll tackle my diet soda addiction another time. Trying to cut back on cigarettes, I purposefully left my pack at my place before coming to my parents and this is actually really easy, but I guess it's a different story when I go back home and see a full pack waiting for me on my table.

I know one of the best ways to get better at drawing is to just draw but my mind can't wrap around how it actually improves your d rawing skills. Does repeatedly drawing something act as a form of memorization for that specific object? How do I know if I fully understand the object or if I'm just memorizing what I see and not truly understanding. Or does memorizing the object count as understanding it. I feel like I can't improve no matter what I do even though I've seen my art look different than when I started. So I know that improvement is possible but why does it feel so out of reach in the present moment. Why do I feel like I'm making no progress when I'm doing 20 min figure drawing warm ups everyday? How is that going to help me draw from imagination? Actually, I feel like I know that answers to these questions but I'm a master at procrastinating so I'm just going to go draw.

Wednesday, Dec 25th, 2024 || Topic: Christmas!

1:39 PM

I deleted Tiktok two years ago because of my crippling self esteem and jealousy but recently I logged in and immediately regretted it. Never doing that again. Christmas today. Dad and I were going through his old video cameras and I found some cassettes that I had videos of when I was a baby. It's so weird seeing myself as a baby because I feel no connection when I see my baby-self on the screen but that baby is 100% me. That baby grew up to be me, I know the fate of that baby and where that baby will be heading in their future.

I also saw videos of my sister and she was the cutest little thing. I recorded some of the clips to save onto my laptop. I'm paranoid that one day the recordings are just going to fall off the face of the earth, I need to make a billion copies of each cassette.

Tuesday, Dec 24th, 2024 || Topic: Eve

9:54 AM

After L left to visit his family, I decided to visit mine, after my work shift on Sunday I packed up alot of my things and arrived at my parents' house by 6 PM. I had bought everyone some gifts and because we don't celebrate Christmas I just gave it to them the second I got there. I got my mom a dior perfume, my dad a chanel cologne, my sister got some stickers and a dior lip gloss, and I gave my brother two pokemon funko pops which he loved. I also got my cousin, who was also there to visit, a photobook of a k-pop band she likes.

My sister told me that I gained weight and I'm trying hard not to take it too personally. I did my nails recently, I'm slowly becoming addicted to press ons. I'm thinking of getting back into writing.

Sunday, Dec 15th, 2024 || Topic: thinking of quitting

6:41 AM

I’m twenty minutes early for work so I got myself some tea with 3 sweeteners and some oat milk. I really hate working here. I’m thinking of applying to places closer to where I live so I wouldn’t have to commit 40 minutes every weekend.

Yesterday, L and I ordered some takeout and we watched Singles Inferno but eventually got bored of that so we then switched to a crime documentary. He ordered noodles with pulled beef for me and got himself a chicken shawarma rice bowl. We both got a little drowsy by 12 AM so we ended up going to bed because both of us had work in the morning. I really hate my weekends and I hate how slowly times go by at work because I have the habit of checking the time every 10 minutes. Today I’m giving myself a challenge where I won’t look at the time no matter what, so I’ll only have an idea of the time based on rush hours, which employees clock in and the stupid alarm that goes off when someone needs to punch in the temps.

Saturday, Dec 14th, 2024 || Topic: n/a

1:55 PM

I was supposed to be working 7-3 today but I begged my manager to let me off early so he let me go at one o’clock. Now I’m watching season two of Spongebob, the episode called, ‘Your shoe’s untied’. I wish I had a pet like Gary.

L went to his exam which is at 2. So I have nothing to do for the next three hours but I don’t mind that. I’m liking cozying up with a show playing in the back while I work on my website. And when I say ‘work one’, I’m usually just fixing an image pathway or updating my colors tcg page. I don’t think I’ve added anything new or completed a page fully but I’m trying to be okay with that. I used to have this page up on neocities but the pressure to update constantly or make sure my content is appropriate/aesthetically pleasing got a little overbearing so I’ve decided to take it easy when it comes to my site.

Friday, Dec 13th, 2024 || Topic: bad friday

6:39 PM

I have an exam that’s coming up on the 19th but I don’t feel like studying for it right now. I’m not too worried about it since the professor is an easy grader but since it’s cumulative I should really pick myself up to study it. It’s also my last exam for the semester before winter break. I’ve been doing okay in school but it feels like it’ll be forever until I graduate and I get a bad feeling in my chest when I hear people younger than me talk about how many credits they have left until they graduate. I fully blame myself for my delay in graduating and it’s all because of how poorly I did mentally and academically in my first year. I don’t think I’m doing well mentally right now either but I’ve seemed to develop a skill with juggling school work and depression. On days I don’t work but have school, study 5-6 hours, then rot for the rest of the day. On days I have work, go to work, study 2-3 hours, then rot the rest of the day.

I feel really lonely for no particular reason. I’m constantly with my boyfriend but when he’s busy and has to study or go to work, my mood immediately crashes and I get this sense of dread like something bad is going to happen. It’s not anxiety over my boyfriend getting hurt at work or my mother getting hurt, it’s not anxiety over anyone in particular but just this anxious feeling in general. It makes me want to go on youtube and watch an endless amount of videos so I don’t have to think. I was doing that a couple minutes ago but looking through the hundreds of videos for something I find interesting made me anxiousn so I decided to write a little bit. (Now playing: Saltwater by Beach House)

I recently got L a projector so I use it to watch spongebob compilations or nature documentaries narrated by David Attenborough. I watched The Holdover while in the library yesterday and I thought it was good, sometimes cheesy at certain points but Christmas movies need to have their dose of cheesiness or else it’s not a Christmas movie. I also watched Home Alone. I loved it like I do every year.

I’m planning on getting a new physical journal for the new year. L got me a hobonichi weekly planner so I want to get myself a nice and thick notebook with blank pages so I can use it with the planner complementarity. I’m writing a lot more than usual for my web diary and I don’t know why, I think I just have a lot to say because I haven’t been journaling at all regardless of the media. And I want to write more in general but I’m not sure how I would split up the amount I write between my web diary and my physical journal…I could just commit to one style of journaling but I’m greedy and there’s something satisfying about archiving everything in multiple different ways. I guess I’ll do both, maybe I’ll end up losing my physical journal in a fire or something and will be grateful that I recorded everything on a personal website.

Friday, November 8th, 2024 || Topic: visiting home

Feeling guilty for some reason. There hasn't been anything that happened but for some reason I feel like something is going to go wrong and it's going to be my fault. I don't think my constant need of reassurance annoys the people around me because they're very patient but I always feel like they love me less as time goes by.
And I feel like I've been mean to my boyfriend for no particular reason this week and it's killing me.

Tuesday, October 31st, 2024 || Topic: Halloween

I didn't get to go out for Halloween today because I have a midterm tomorrow but I put out some candy.

An outdoor cat named Luna visits often and he's really cute! He's so friendly, I wish I had a black cat of my own, I'm really jealous of whoever Luna goes to sleep with at the end of the night!! His left ear is injured. According to his owner, he scratched his ear to the point of damaging the tissue. Poor baby :(

Sunday, October 19th, 2024 || Topic: buldak noodles with dairy will kill you

I was visiting home for the weekend because my mom has been begging me to come over at least once this month. I really didn't want to but I wanted to see how my siblings were doing. My older brother is still a NEET and I'm trying hard not to hate him for it, maybe it's jealousy I don't know. I wonder if my mom knew that she would produce two failures. At least my sister is on track to doing well and I'll make sure she is.

She wanted me to play Dress To Impress with her but she eventually took a nap. I was looking at her face and I thought about the first time I saw her, she was so tiny and she had some sort of gooey residue on her forehead that the nurses said they'd clean off once the bath was ready. I always thought newborns look very different to how they'd look when they grow up but my sisters features didn't change much in my eyes. She's always looked the same no matter what, even the expressions she had as a baby are the same. I remember when she'd grab my ears and hair with her chubby hands. She's 16 now and she always gets (pretend) mad when smothering her in kisses but she'll always be a baby to me. I wish I wasn't an older sibling but I loved being a big sister when I was younger.

I can't help but feeling like suicide would be easier because the thought of living like this for the rest of my life is fucking with my productivity, I can't afford to fail at anything right now but something's telling that it'd be less embarrassing to just end it now then to wait until I really fuck things up.

I'm really enjoying having this site! So many creative and talented people, I love just browsing through peoples webpages. I think what I like the most are blogs/diaries...I just want to know what's going on in peoples heads. Maybe it's because I don't have a filter on here because I'm confident that no one is going to find me in real life (let's hope) so my assumption is that others will be as unhinged or open on here. Some are though! And it's nice to read because it gives me a piece of mind that I'm not the only one who's dealing with mental turmoil.

Sunday, October 13th, 2024 || Topic: i don't know why my life feels so mundane

Reading week has started so now classes, using that time to catch up with my school work because I'm behind in one of my classes

Boyfriend made reservations at a restaurant that serves authentic Kerela dishes. I've never tried South Indian food but I'm excited because the place looks soooo good.

Wednesday, October 2nd, 2024 || Topic: Exam week

I had exams this week and I did well on one of them but I had to transfer the weight of my genomics exam because I don't think I was ready for it. I feel terrible but it's better than bombing the exam, at least I have another chance at doing well. I haven't been attending my classes like I would like but I want to pull myself back up so I'll be going to one of my lectures starting tomorrow :(.

I have been trying to get back into drawing again. I put myself off from it because I always felt that I wouldn't get better no matter how much I draw but I think I've finally accepted that skill takes time and effort. I like figure drawing but I never did it enough to make it a habit. I can already draw humans somewhat decently although my anatomy isn't the best but I think doing daily figure drawings will get me used to the human body which will start making me feel more comfortable in character art. I don't know why I think that I'll get better over night but that thought is the reason I have been in the same place with my art for almost 8 years now. So I did some figure drawings today and made sure to actually observe the bodies rather than mindlessly sketching. But it felt good to draw again after such a long time!! I'm going to be consistent and I can't wait to see my progress in a year from now.

Thursday, September 12th, 2024 || Topic: UNI

Started my 4th year of university this month but I know it's not my last...

Haven't been able to work on my website for a bit because I've been living with my boyfriend this past couple of weeks but I got my laptop again so now I'm able to work on it a little bit, but I don't know how much attention I can give it considering my workload at uni but I'm still going to try to add to my current pages here and there.

I think I had a poor start to the semester with my social anxiety. I think I forget how socially anxious I am until September comes, I'm finding myself skipping classes that I know are recorded because then I don't have to walk through campus. I'm trying to get better at leaving the house more often but it's difficult. I very grateful that my boyfriend will willingly walk to the gas station for me and get my favourite snacks/drinks when I don't feel comfortable leaving the house.

Sunday, August 25th, 2024 || Topic: What am I doing..

Trying to get a hold of myself again. And trying to minimize how much of a burden i am to those around me. I don't know why I do that somwtimes. It's like I just suddenly explode, my mood becomes entirely different when I hear something that I didn't want to hear and then hours later I'm calling back to apologize and then the next day it happens agan. I don't want to exhaust the peaple around me. I cannot expect those around me to tell me the perfect things, I need to expect less from the people around me because no one will be able to pull me out of my problems other than me. I need to learn to not be upset when I don't receive the affirmations I wwant especially if they're not true.

Monday, August 19th, 2024 || Topic: Middle school

Sometimes I think about how I was in middle school and of the friends I used to have. I read my previous journals and every single entry consisted of low self-esteem ramblings and the adventures I had with my friends that day. Just from the way I had written, I could tell I was having alot of fun in my day to day life despite feeling so poorly of myself. I had people I could joke with, talk about crushes with, argue with, fawn over media with. Now a decade later, I have no one. I do have my boyfriend and I really enjoy talking to him. I get the same joy from him as I would a deep friendship but there's something missng. I miss having girls in my life, I always wanted to have a group of women whom I can talk to about things that I can't really with my boyfriend.

I can talk to my bf aboout ANYTHING but he can't really fully engage in conversations about makeup or nails, beauty etc, other than giving me some "waohhh thats interesting" or "damn that's cool" despite how interested he tries to make himself seem.

Sunday, August 18th, 2024 || Topic: Coming to conclusions

// Too personal for the public eye (•᷄- •᷅ ;)

Friday, August 16th, 2024 || Topic: Boring Friday

I got my liscence renewed today because it expires at the end of the month. The lady quickly took my photo, I wasn't really prepared for the photo so I'm kind of scared to see what I look like. I'm losing weight steadily, I have to dtay consistent. I'm trying to reach XX pounds ish or if I can't do that, the goal is to lose fat and build muscle. I haven't really been working out consistently at all so my muscles feel weak. But definetly I will be consistent when September starts.

Thursday, August 8th, 2024 || Topic: Birthday

I have been thinking of taking my own life but I don't have any plans on putting that into action. I can see why people will do it on a whim though. Having a strong urge to run into oncoming traffic. Obviously I won't be putting that into action. I dont really know what's wrong with me and why I think the way I do. I wonder if it's all just the way I think or if there is some sort of truth in the scenarios that I think about.

I think I'm rather difficult to love and my boyfriend isn't in a genuine relationship with me. Maybe it is genuine on a surface level but it feels like he doesn't really know if he loves me. I feel like he's saying all these things just to have me.

When I tell him I look bad at a healthy weight he tells me I look fine and healthy but that pisses me off becuase it's so easy to tell that he's forcing himself to say that. He can't even tell me I'm beautiful without stuttering or averting eye contact. 'Fine', 'Normal'. 'Healthy' are the only vocabulary he can use when describing my body and it makes me want to commit suicide. And even if he says 'beuatiful' and 'perfect', it's always when I'm having a bad breakdown or visibly upset. It doesn't feel genuine in the slightest because why can't I be called beautiful when I'm not in an emotional turmoil. I always knew I'd probably end up in a relationship where I'm not seen as attractive by my partner but it's alot more harder to deal with than I thought. I'm unsure of how this is going to impact the relationship, I feel like a ticking bomb.

Monday, August 5th, 2024 || Topic: Being at home

I am visiting home because my birthday is in 3 days, so there's no point in going back to my other place. My mom came into my room frantically asking em to help her log in to her bank account, which I had helped her make years ago. But the issue is that she forgot the security questions. I know my parents aren't the best at English but they can't rely on my to remember all 200 of their login and passwords(╥﹏╥).

Sunday, August 4th, 2024 || Topic: life update

It's been a while since my last entry. Things are going well with Leon and I. I'm waiting for my Calculus II results to be posted on brightspace, it gives me the worst feeling on the planet...I know I didn't do to well on it but I'm hoping I got ATLEAST 41%...

I've lost a little bit of weight. Trying to reach XX pounds but I'm scared to lose my hair. Summer has been nice. I hate work as usual.

Monday, April 22nd, 2024 || Topic: boyfriend update

Leon and I started dating officially on th 27th of March. He was walkig me back to the train station after I hung out with him, and then I asked him what he thought about being in a relationship. He said he was open to it and then agreed that he wanted to make things official but he said he found it funny that he had asked to make things official first but I had previosuly turned him down..

One month(ish) after meeting him he had asked me if I was ready to be exclusive with him but I had already assumed we were exclusive! That's why it had taken me a bit to think about wether I was ready or not to date because I was confused on where he stood.

Anyway, a couple days ago he told me he wanted to make our anniversary date the day we met (lol). He's so cute at times.

Thursday, Febuary 8th, 2024 || Topic: Scary experiences

I really don't know how to talk to men, I don't know how to date and how to be myself around men. I always feel like I'm performing in a way, I don't know how to truly be myself.

If I be myself, I think that will scare them away but I think that's better than performing. I'm talking to a guy recently, and I think I will be myself and if it doesn't work than it won't work and that's okay. He's cute but we don't really share the same hobbies or anything but two people don't need to share the same hobbies to get along. I'll see where this goes for me.

Saturday, Febuary 3rd, 2024 || Topic: work

Just came back from work and I'm tired. I wish I had a workplace crush, that would make things more interesting. I feel like no one likes me at work since I don't really talk much. I love working evenings though. My favourite people are in the evenings.

I don't know how to make myself more open to conversation, I feel stiff and ugly, I hate looking into people's eyes.